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Blood Relations

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

 رَبِّ اشْرَحْ لِي صَدْرِي ; وَيَسِّرْ لِي أَمْرِي ; وَاحْلُلْ عُقْدَةً مِنْ لِسَانِي ; يَفْقَهُوا قَوْلِي

How important are the blood relations? Have we ever thought about it? If a Muslim knows the importance Allah has given to blood relations, never shall any of us dare to do any injustice (in any form) to the relations. Allah says: 

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمْ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالاً كَثِيراً وَنِسَاءً وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَتَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالأَرْحَامَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيباً

O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam) and from him he created his wife (Hawwa), and from both them both He created many men & women; and fear Allah through Whom you demand, and (do not cut the relations of) womb (kinship, blood relations). Surely Allah is Ever an All-Watcher over you.”

(Aayah no. 1, Surah An-Nisa’, Chapter No. 4, Holy Qur’an). 

The verse says…. fear Allah through Whom you demand and the womb…. The message is that if we fear Allah, we have to maintain good relations with our relatives. Therefore, Sila-e-rahmi (i.e. keeping good relations with blood relatives) is an order from Allah, not a recommendation, and it is mandatory for every Muslim to comply with this order. 

It is not all, there are much more details, which we shall talk about in due course of our discussion. To start with, let us discuss some specific details under different sub-headings concerning the subject. 

1. Who are these blood relatives?

The first place among the blood relatives is reserved for parents. No one among the relatives equals them in the status given to them by Allah. The details regarding status of parents in Islam are so much that it is not good to discuss them as a sub-heading. So, Insha’Allah we shall talk in detail about them in a separate discussion. 

After parents, other blood relations are off-springs, brothers, sisters, paternal uncles and aunts, their off-springs (i.e. first cousins from paternal side), maternal uncles and aunts, their off-springs (i.e. first cousins from maternal side) and then other relatives as well. Spouses do not categorize under blood relations. 

2. What are the ways to maintain good ties with blood relatives?

It is not a big task. Keeping good relations with blood relatives is fairly simple. Allah says:

 إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَى وَيَنْهَى عَنْ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

 “Verily, Allah orders justice and kindness, and giving (help) to the relatives, and He forbids immoral sins, and evil and tyranny. He admonishes you, that you may take heed.”

(Aayah no. 90, Surah An-Nahl, Chapter No. 16, Holy Qur’an). 

So, the command is for helping the relatives. 

How can we help our relatives? 

It can be done in various ways: 

2.1. By visiting them

Visiting our relatives (regularly) and be with them in their happiness and the times of sorrow (or grief); is it such a difficult task? Almost everyone will agree that it is not a difficult task to do.

2.2. Spending money on relatives

If someone wish to spend his wealth for good (i.e. in Allah’s Cause), the relatives command their due. And this haq is given to them by Allah. Refer to following verse of Holy Qur’an:

 يَسْأَلُونَكَ مَاذَا يُنفِقُونَ قُلْ مَا أَنفَقْتُمْ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَلِلْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالأَقْرَبِينَ وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَابْنِ السَّبِيلِ وَمَا تَفْعَلُوا مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ بِهِ عَلِيمٌ

 “They ask you (O Muhammad, PBUH) what they should spend. Say: Whatever you spend of good must be for parents and kindred and orphans and Al-Masakin (the poor) and the wayfarer and whatever you do of good deeds, truly Allah knows it well.”

(Aayah No. 215, Surah Al-Baqarah, Chapter No. 4, Holy Qur’an). 

This Aayah confirms that if someone has been blessed in wealth by Allah, then he should spend on his relatives (as well as other people mentioned above) who are in need of financial support. Similar command is given to us in Aayah no. 90, Surah An-Nahl, Chapter No. 16, mentioned in previous section.  

2.3. Helping them emotionally and physically

This means that whenever our relatives need our physical presence near to them, we should be with them. It may be a case of marriage of any of our relatives, or a there might be a death among anyone’s relatives, or other events of joy or sorrow. It is mandatory that we stand by our blood relations in all the events of their lives, and especially when it comes to testing times. 

3. Constraints in face of maintaining good relations

There are some constraints which pose a challenge to us in maintaining good ties with our blood relatives. These are discussed below. 

3.1. We don’t have time for our relatives.

One of the biggest constraints of modern life is that we don’t have time for others. We are so much busy shaping our careers and individual lives, that our blood relatives become just a matter of formality and our meetings are limited to deaths or marriages, that too rare nowadays. People live in same city, but they have no idea about whereabouts of their relatives who also live in same city. Ask anyone about his/her so and so relative, the answer is ‘We don’t get time to meet them’. Forget meeting, we don’t even get time to talk them on telephone or by letters or any means of media. Shocking! I feel pathetic towards those who put forward this reason / excuse. The world is a smaller place now, thanks to technology. Relatives living at far distances can be in touch with each other by so many means of communications (like phone, internet etc.). We can find time for our career oriented gatherings, late night sittings with friends, watching useless gossips on television, going to entertainment clubs etc, but there is no time to visit relatives. Sorry, bring forward some other argument, I can’t take this. 

3.2. We have become self-centred.

True, man has become self-centred, and increasingly becoming so. This is such a bad characteristic of a human being, and sorry to say, we are getting like that now. It is only our kids and spouses who matter for us, rest all are meaningless to us now. What a shame! 

3.3. Money

One of the biggest constraints is money. Normally when we talk of money as a constraint, it refers to shortage of money. But on the contrary, money acts as a constraint in keeping good relations with relatives, when it is more. When it comes to money, a man neither listens anything nor does he sees anything; money gets supreme over all things. This is the biggest cause of rupture of ties of kinship. Brothers becoming enemies of each other due to tussles over wealth is a common phenomenon now. Families indulged in cold war like situation due to financial disputes can be found in plenty nowadays. 

The attachment of man with money is very dangerous. 

3.4. Influence of other family members

This is yet another problem which becomes a hurdle in maintaining good relations with blood relatives. In some families, mother doesn’t want her kids to meet their paternal relatives, while at some places a father doesn’t want his kids to meet their maternal relatives. Some husbands do not want their wives to meet her relatives, while some wives do not like to keep relations with relatives of her husband, and even try that her husband also stays away from them. Somewhere it is a matter of prestige, somewhere it is because of old disputes over financial matters, while somewhere it is because of stupid clashes over minor things. Each of these acts is wrong, and against Islam. 

4. Special mention of spending on relatives

Spending wealth on relatives holds a big significance in Islam. If any of our relatives are poor, they at first place deserve (the portion of) our Zakat. Similarly, they also demand their haq on other charity which we do. Sadly, nowadays, people tend to shy away from spending money on others. It does not mean that we have to spend in a wasteful manner on them; rather it is command from Allah that if someone has been blessed in wealth by Allah, he should take care of financial needs of his close relatives. How can it be that he sleeps in an air-conditioned room and his brother doesn’t have a proper room for shelter? It is not allowed for a Muslim to keep his/her vault with full wealth, while someone else in his blood relations is struggling daily to make his ends meet. The problem is, richer we get, farther we keep going from our relatives who are poor; rich ones consider them below their standard; they consider that their tastes don’t match… and so on and so on….  

Remember, spending on relatives not only brings us hasanaat, but also brings blessings from Allah in our wealth. Refer to following hadith:

Narrated Abu Hurairah (RA): I heard Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) saying, “Whoever is pleased that he be granted more wealth, and that his lease of life be prolonged, then he should keep good relations with his kith and kin.”

(Hadith No. 5985, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8). 

What do we come to know? Keeping good relations with our blood relatives may sometimes need us to spend on them, but instead of worrying about spending our wealth on them, we should be happy that it will bring prosperity to our lives, both in terms of increase in wealth and also increase in life. But what a pity, majority is doing otherwise. Most of the disaccords among relatives take place due to financial matters. 

We have to keep in mind that spending on our relatives is their haq, and whoever is blessed in wealth by Allah, should do so and should not cease to do so as far as Allah provides him/her wealth. I wish to draw attention of readers to the following verse of Qur’an:

 وَلا يَأْتَلِ أُوْلُوا الْفَضْلِ مِنْكُمْ وَالسَّعَةِ أَنْ يُؤْتُوا أُوْلِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْمَسَاكِينَ وَالْمُهَاجِرِينَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ وَلْيَعْفُوا وَلْيَصْفَحُوا أَلا تُحِبُّونَ أَنْ يَغْفِرَ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ

 “And let not those among you who are blessed with graces and wealth swear not to give to their kinsmen, Al-Masakin, and those who left their homes fro Allah’s Cause. Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

(Aayah No. 22, Surah An-Nur, Chapter No. 24, Holy Qur’an). 

This Aayah was revealed concerning Abu Bakr (RA), when he swore that he would not help Mistah bin Uthathah after he accused Aishah (RA). Mistah was cousin of Abu Bakr (RA), son of his maternal aunt, and was a poor man. He had no money except what Abu Bakr (RA) used to give (spend on) him. After this Aayah was revealed, Abu Bakr (RA) resumed spending on him. 

5. Al-Waasil

Al-Waasil means ‘one who keeps good ties with his blood relatives’.This is a general definition of Al-Waasil. However, Rasool-Allah (PBUH) gave more explained definition for Al-Waasil. Following hadith tells us about this:

Narrated Abdullah bin Amr (RA): The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Al-Waasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Waasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him.”

(Hadith No. 5991, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8). 

Therefore, it is not only that we keep good relations with those relatives who are good to us; rather we have to keep good relations with those who do not keep good relations with us. We cannot make excuse that it is not your fault because the other family or other party does not want to talk to us. We have to ensure from our side that whatever needs to be done in order to restore the blood relations, we do that, and leave the rest to Allah. 

6. Consequences of Qata-e-rahmi (i.e. severing bonds of blood relations)

So far we have talked about importance of Sila-e-rahmi (i.e. keeping good relations with kith and kin). The discussion won’t be complete without talking about what are the consequences of Qata-e-rahmi (i.e. severing the bonds of kith and kin). Let us discuss this in two different manners, both leading to Qata-e-rahmi. 

We know that a Muslim is supposed to follow Qur’an in full. Whatever Allah says to do, a Muslim has to do, and whatever He has forbidden, a Muslim has to keep away from such things/acts. On the same lines, Allah commands us to maintain bonds of blood relations. Therefore it is mandatory for us to follow it. However, whoever does not maintain good relations with his kith and kin, Allah says for such a person: 

وَالَّذِينَ يَنقُضُونَ عَهْدَ اللَّهِ مِنْ بَعْدِ مِيثَاقِهِ وَيَقْطَعُونَ مَا أَمَرَ اللَّهُ بِهِ أَنْ يُوصَلَ وَيُفْسِدُونَ فِي الأَرْضِ أُوْلَئِكَ لَهُمُ اللَّعْنَةُ وَلَهُمْ سُوءُ الدَّارِ

 “And those who break the Covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to the relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse, and for them is the unhappy home (i.e. Hell).”

(Aayah No. 25, Surah Ar-Ra’d, Chapter No. 13, Holy Qur’an). 

Similarly, if someone is blessed by Allah in terms of wealth, position, power etc, and these things dominate his personality and lead him to do wrong things (including severing of bonds of kinship), Allah says following about such a person: 

فَهَلْ عَسَيْتُمْ إِنْ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ أَنْ تُفْسِدُوا فِي الأَرْضِ وَتُقَطِّعُوا أَرْحَامَكُمْ

 “Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship?”

  

أُوْلَئِكَ الَّذِينَ لَعَنَهُمْ اللَّهُ فَأَصَمَّهُمْ وَأَعْمَى أَبْصَارَهُمْ

 “Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.”

(Aayah No’s 22 & 23, Surah Muhammad, Chapter No. 47, Holy Qur’an). 

This is an apt explanation for people who are obstructed by their love for wealth from maintaining good relations with their relatives. Whatever be the reason, whoever severs the bond of relationships, is not liked by Allah, and he/she is destined for Hell in the Hereafter. To remember the severity of consequences of Qata-e-rahmi, following hadith should never be forgotten:

 Narrated Jubair bin Mut’im that he heard the Prophet (PBUH) saying, “Al-Qati (the person who severs the bond of kinship) will not enter Paradise.”

(Hadith No. 5984, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8). 

Now this should give all of us a scare. Paradise is denied for the one who do Qata-e-rahmi. 

7. Third-party responsibility

This is one of the most important parts of the discussion. There is an event associated which needs to be talked about in order to understand the importance of this section. 

A man from Al-Ansar, whose name was Imran, had a wife called Umm-Zayd. She wanted to visit her family, but her husband prevented her from visiting them by locking her in an upper room. So none of her family could visit or see her. She sent someone to her family. They came, took her down from the room and wanted to take her away. Her husband was absent at the time, so his family called on their people. Their cousins came to help prevent the wife from going with her family. A push and shove situation occurred that led to them fighting using slippers. Allah revealed following beautiful Aayah on this: 

وَإِنْ طَائِفَتَانِ مِنْ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اقْتَتَلُوا فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا فَإِنْ بَغَتْ إِحْدَاهُمَا عَلَى الأُخْرَى فَقَاتِلُوا الَّتِي تَبْغِي حَتَّى تَفِيءَ إِلَى أَمْرِ اللَّهِ فَإِنْ فَاءَتْ فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا بِالْعَدْلِ وَأَقْسِطُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُقْسِطِينَ

 “And if two parties or groups among the believers fall to fighting, then make peace between them both. But if one of them outrages against the other, then fight you (all) against the one that which outrages till it complies with Command of Allah. Then if it complies, make reconciliation between them justly, and be equitable. Verily, Allah loves those who are equitable.”

(Aayah No. 9, Surah Al-Hujurat, Chapter No. 49, Holy Qur’an). 

After this, Rasool-Allah (PBUH) sent someone to bring peace among those who were fighting and they both agreed to resort to the decision of Allah, the Exalted. 

This is the third-party role of every Muslim which I am talking about. This is responsibility of all of us to ensure that whenever such a dispute takes place between blood relations among our known ones, we all should get together to get it solved. And if we sense that someone among the disputed parties is on wrong side and not willing to reconcile, we all have to oppose such a person (or a group) in all our might, strength and means till the wrong one succumbs and agrees to resort to Allah’s Will. This is what our society lacks. This calls for introspection. We let the blood relations get severed, but stay quiet. Different reasons keep us away from performing responsibility ordained by us on Allah. The most prominent of the reasons is the attitude: Why should I bother, it is their problem; let them solve themselves. Why should I bother myself for their problems? I am happy in my life and that is all what matters to me. This attitude needs to be changed. I am sure, that if this third-party role is fulfilled honestly by all Muslims, Insha’Allah majority of the problems of Qata-e-rahmi will be solved. Please note that this responsibility is not only for saving relationships; rather it covers all such cases where there is a conflict among two Muslims (or two Muslim groups). This ruling is for us to make reconciliation among the two and side with haq. 

I want to take this opportunity for saying this: I have a sincere appeal to all Muslims regarding this role of every Muslim. Please take this third-party role / responsibility seriously. Interfere and ensure that haq prevails. Insha’Allah many relations will be saved from being severed and harmony shall prevail. 

Concluding remarks

It is going wrong on all fronts. Blood relations hold no values for us anymore, courtesy careers, high stakes, wealth, busy life style, self-centred attitude and above all disobedience to Allah.  

Dear brothers and sisters, break all the shackles of hatred, inhibitions, false prestige, love for money etc. which keep us away from giving due respect to our blood relations. These relations are made by Allah, and Allah commands us to maintain them in a healthy manner. Qata-e-rahmi is a big sin. Whoever does it and whoever encourages (or persuades) others to do it, is in for a serious punishment i.e. Hell in Hereafter (we have already discussed this in earlier section).  

Our kids, our siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, all of them command their haq from us, the haq for love, haq for respect, haq for togetherness, haq for help, haq for share, haq for care etc. Our blood relations are a part of our lives; there is no way that we ignore them if we aspire to be inmates of Paradise.  

Be united. Live happily in harmony and peace. 

And Allah knows best. 

May Allah forgive me if I am wrong and guide us to the right path…Ameen. 

سُبْحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِّ الْعِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون َ ; وَسَلامٌ عَلَى الْمُرْسَلِينَ ; وَالْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّالْعَالَمِينَ.

 

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13 comments

  1. salaam 
    my q uestion is that sila rehmi should be from both side also we know that they send jinn shaitaan on daily basis to our homes they feel happiness to see us suffering.. because of illness and finacial losses as everything is stopped i started thajjad praying for shifa and hdayya for them    very tired…briefly i,m about 40 my husband 46 we did everything to please them especially spending money it is envy jealousy for no reason they just want to see our destruction.any advice….
    jazakallah

    • Wa-alaikum as-salam warahmatallah,

      Sister, first thing is that no one on earth can do anything good or anything wrong for any one; only Allah has the power to do so. Remember this very clearly and maintain it as a part of our belief. No one has the power or might, except Allah. SO have tawakkul in Allah. No one ha sthe power to harm or benefit you or your family on this earth, except Allah. Now, coming to your question again on whether you should maintain sila-e-rahmi even if your relatives are not good with you, the answer is YES. If you read the article on the site on this subject, you will find a hadith which tells that Al-Waasil is one who is good with his/her relatives even when they are not good with him. Now if the relatives are too bad an dbehave badly, one will naturally maintain distance; but again, the distance should not be in hearts. Kepe praying for them, neve rmiss an opportunity to help them, whenever you come across each other somewhere, be the first to greet them, never be the first to initiate hatred. Leave the rest to Allah.

  2. twisted it and meddles with black magic so has all family on her side .People know the truth but are not admitting to it any advice pls
     

    • What advice you are looking for? Please clarify.

      Apart from this, whatever happens, a Muslim is supposed to keep good relations from his blood relatives, and more particularly/specifically with parents. Now even if your relatives, including parents, do not want to see you and have disowned you, they shall be answerable to Allah for whatever wrong they do. You, from your heart, should not behave in a bad manner with them. That is what Islam says.

      I request all, please do not look for doctor-like or tailor-made solutions. Try to understand what Islam says about the matter; and do your best to act upon it, with pious intentions. Leave the rest upto Allah.

  3. Assalam Aleikum,
    I would like to ask for advice. My brother has not talked to me for 3 years though i have tried several times. the reason being I got married to  a man who isnt of our tribe but my husband is a practising muslim with good islamic background. It has really eaten me up but i dont know what to do… when i was getting married he said he doesnt want to be called uncle by that tribe… tell me what to do

  4. Aslm Alkm;

    Would you please assist me [if you are in position] to pass to me information/Hadeeth where S.A.W is reported to have recommended enjoining blood relations even when the relatives are ‘Mushirkiin’ – Walaw Kaana Kafir/Mushrik – somehow like that. I will be grateful.

    Asl Alkm

    Najib

  5. Assalmoaleikum,

    I have to ask that my brother is one, he married without telling my parents
    for 10 yrs he didn’t contacted us then after 10 yrs he contacted us but still
    the wife of my husband dosent like us but she want to come to our house and
    meet my mother and father and show her kids their grand parents house and my
    parents dont want to meet my brother or his wife bcoz my sister in law still dont admit
    her mistake she says, me and your brother are rt your parents r bad , parents say that she
    is bad ,while she is bad bcoz she ir very proud and whenever we talk she dosent talk
    properly and my brother wants to meet us with his whole family and the wife
    dosent want and my parents dont want to see her too I am the little sister longing my family
    to meet what should we do in this case according to Islam and sunnah
    kindly help pls

    • Wa alaikum Salam warahmatallah,

      In such a case, Allah tells us in Verse 9 of Surah Hujurat (Chapter No. 49) of Holy Qur’an:

      “And if two parties or groups among the believers fall to fighting, then make peace between them both. But if one of them outrages against the other fight you (all) against the one that which outrages, till it complies with Command of Allah…….”

      So, follow this instruction of Allah; Insha’Allah all will be well.

      And Allah knows best.

  6. Assalmo Alaikum,

    Few days back, my paternal uncle tried to break my engagement by visiting my in laws and saying things which one sane person would avoid mentioning infront of a girl’s father. The situation got worse between my family and my in laws because of my uncle and to some extent his wife (my aunt) also played a role in this. When all this drama happened, I and my parents complained to my aunt about what uncle did and she was not ready to accept his mistake and instead started defending his act of defaming my fiance infront her father and my father. After this incident, I did not contacting my aunt and she is not contacting me either. I do have some bad feelings since I am heart broken over their act as I always considered them like my parents. I am now concerned about their attitude towards my relationship with my fiance since I think they may try to harm my relationship with my fiance in future too. My question is that if I do not contact them and they do not contact me either, but whenever in future I meet them, I talk to them politely and give them respect, then will it still fall under QATA RAHMI?

    • Wa alaikum Salam warahmatallah,

      Please do not initiate anything wrong from your end. As per our Prophet (PBUH), the actual ‘Sila-e-rehmi’ is when you maintain good relations with those who do not maintain good with you. Do good and hope them to reciprocate good, rather than reciprocating bad for bad. And then leave the rest to Allah.

      And Allah knows best.

  7. what if trying to visit causes so much arguments in the house? Me and my family try as much as we can and our father threatens us if we go there. He neither reads Jummah or gives charity but reads ‘5 namaaz’.

    What should I do? The Fanily we visit is our only blood relations here. I am in great difficulty and I need to find a viable solution?

    • Salam alaikum,

      You should talk to your father politely and respectfully, explaining him the importance and significance of maintaining blood relations in Islam. Take a print-out of this article and take it to your father. Pray to Allah for help. In any case, the command of Allah is above the command of anyone else, be it your father.

      Act according to what Allah says. Inshallah all will be OK.

      May Allah set your affairs right.

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