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Blood Relations

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

 رَبِّ اشْرَحْ لِي صَدْرِي ; وَيَسِّرْ لِي أَمْرِي ; وَاحْلُلْ عُقْدَةً مِنْ لِسَانِي ; يَفْقَهُوا قَوْلِي

How important are the blood relations? Have we ever thought about it? If a Muslim knows the importance Allah has given to blood relations, never shall any of us dare to do any injustice (in any form) to the relations. Allah says: 

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمْ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالاً كَثِيراً وَنِسَاءً وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَتَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالأَرْحَامَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيباً

O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam) and from him he created his wife (Hawwa), and from both them both He created many men & women; and fear Allah through Whom you demand, and (do not cut the relations of) womb (kinship, blood relations). Surely Allah is Ever an All-Watcher over you.”

(Aayah no. 1, Surah An-Nisa’, Chapter No. 4, Holy Qur’an). 

The verse says…. fear Allah through Whom you demand and the womb…. The message is that if we fear Allah, we have to maintain good relations with our relatives. Therefore, Sila-e-rahmi (i.e. keeping good relations with blood relatives) is an order from Allah, not a recommendation, and it is mandatory for every Muslim to comply with this order. 

It is not all, there are much more details, which we shall talk about in due course of our discussion. To start with, let us discuss some specific details under different sub-headings concerning the subject. 

1. Who are these blood relatives?

The first place among the blood relatives is reserved for parents. No one among the relatives equals them in the status given to them by Allah. The details regarding status of parents in Islam are so much that it is not good to discuss them as a sub-heading. So, Insha’Allah we shall talk in detail about them in a separate discussion. 

After parents, other blood relations are off-springs, brothers, sisters, paternal uncles and aunts, their off-springs (i.e. first cousins from paternal side), maternal uncles and aunts, their off-springs (i.e. first cousins from maternal side) and then other relatives as well. Spouses do not categorize under blood relations. 

2. What are the ways to maintain good ties with blood relatives?

It is not a big task. Keeping good relations with blood relatives is fairly simple. Allah says:

 إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَى وَيَنْهَى عَنْ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

 “Verily, Allah orders justice and kindness, and giving (help) to the relatives, and He forbids immoral sins, and evil and tyranny. He admonishes you, that you may take heed.”

(Aayah no. 90, Surah An-Nahl, Chapter No. 16, Holy Qur’an). 

So, the command is for helping the relatives. 

How can we help our relatives? 

It can be done in various ways: 

2.1. By visiting them

Visiting our relatives (regularly) and be with them in their happiness and the times of sorrow (or grief); is it such a difficult task? Almost everyone will agree that it is not a difficult task to do.

2.2. Spending money on relatives

If someone wish to spend his wealth for good (i.e. in Allah’s Cause), the relatives command their due. And this haq is given to them by Allah. Refer to following verse of Holy Qur’an:

 يَسْأَلُونَكَ مَاذَا يُنفِقُونَ قُلْ مَا أَنفَقْتُمْ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَلِلْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالأَقْرَبِينَ وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَابْنِ السَّبِيلِ وَمَا تَفْعَلُوا مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ بِهِ عَلِيمٌ

 “They ask you (O Muhammad, PBUH) what they should spend. Say: Whatever you spend of good must be for parents and kindred and orphans and Al-Masakin (the poor) and the wayfarer and whatever you do of good deeds, truly Allah knows it well.”

(Aayah No. 215, Surah Al-Baqarah, Chapter No. 4, Holy Qur’an). 

This Aayah confirms that if someone has been blessed in wealth by Allah, then he should spend on his relatives (as well as other people mentioned above) who are in need of financial support. Similar command is given to us in Aayah no. 90, Surah An-Nahl, Chapter No. 16, mentioned in previous section.  

2.3. Helping them emotionally and physically

This means that whenever our relatives need our physical presence near to them, we should be with them. It may be a case of marriage of any of our relatives, or a there might be a death among anyone’s relatives, or other events of joy or sorrow. It is mandatory that we stand by our blood relations in all the events of their lives, and especially when it comes to testing times. 

3. Constraints in face of maintaining good relations

There are some constraints which pose a challenge to us in maintaining good ties with our blood relatives. These are discussed below. 

3.1. We don’t have time for our relatives.

One of the biggest constraints of modern life is that we don’t have time for others. We are so much busy shaping our careers and individual lives, that our blood relatives become just a matter of formality and our meetings are limited to deaths or marriages, that too rare nowadays. People live in same city, but they have no idea about whereabouts of their relatives who also live in same city. Ask anyone about his/her so and so relative, the answer is ‘We don’t get time to meet them’. Forget meeting, we don’t even get time to talk them on telephone or by letters or any means of media. Shocking! I feel pathetic towards those who put forward this reason / excuse. The world is a smaller place now, thanks to technology. Relatives living at far distances can be in touch with each other by so many means of communications (like phone, internet etc.). We can find time for our career oriented gatherings, late night sittings with friends, watching useless gossips on television, going to entertainment clubs etc, but there is no time to visit relatives. Sorry, bring forward some other argument, I can’t take this. 

3.2. We have become self-centred.

True, man has become self-centred, and increasingly becoming so. This is such a bad characteristic of a human being, and sorry to say, we are getting like that now. It is only our kids and spouses who matter for us, rest all are meaningless to us now. What a shame! 

3.3. Money

One of the biggest constraints is money. Normally when we talk of money as a constraint, it refers to shortage of money. But on the contrary, money acts as a constraint in keeping good relations with relatives, when it is more. When it comes to money, a man neither listens anything nor does he sees anything; money gets supreme over all things. This is the biggest cause of rupture of ties of kinship. Brothers becoming enemies of each other due to tussles over wealth is a common phenomenon now. Families indulged in cold war like situation due to financial disputes can be found in plenty nowadays. 

The attachment of man with money is very dangerous. 

3.4. Influence of other family members

This is yet another problem which becomes a hurdle in maintaining good relations with blood relatives. In some families, mother doesn’t want her kids to meet their paternal relatives, while at some places a father doesn’t want his kids to meet their maternal relatives. Some husbands do not want their wives to meet her relatives, while some wives do not like to keep relations with relatives of her husband, and even try that her husband also stays away from them. Somewhere it is a matter of prestige, somewhere it is because of old disputes over financial matters, while somewhere it is because of stupid clashes over minor things. Each of these acts is wrong, and against Islam. 

4. Special mention of spending on relatives

Spending wealth on relatives holds a big significance in Islam. If any of our relatives are poor, they at first place deserve (the portion of) our Zakat. Similarly, they also demand their haq on other charity which we do. Sadly, nowadays, people tend to shy away from spending money on others. It does not mean that we have to spend in a wasteful manner on them; rather it is command from Allah that if someone has been blessed in wealth by Allah, he should take care of financial needs of his close relatives. How can it be that he sleeps in an air-conditioned room and his brother doesn’t have a proper room for shelter? It is not allowed for a Muslim to keep his/her vault with full wealth, while someone else in his blood relations is struggling daily to make his ends meet. The problem is, richer we get, farther we keep going from our relatives who are poor; rich ones consider them below their standard; they consider that their tastes don’t match… and so on and so on….  

Remember, spending on relatives not only brings us hasanaat, but also brings blessings from Allah in our wealth. Refer to following hadith:

Narrated Abu Hurairah (RA): I heard Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) saying, “Whoever is pleased that he be granted more wealth, and that his lease of life be prolonged, then he should keep good relations with his kith and kin.”

(Hadith No. 5985, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8). 

What do we come to know? Keeping good relations with our blood relatives may sometimes need us to spend on them, but instead of worrying about spending our wealth on them, we should be happy that it will bring prosperity to our lives, both in terms of increase in wealth and also increase in life. But what a pity, majority is doing otherwise. Most of the disaccords among relatives take place due to financial matters. 

We have to keep in mind that spending on our relatives is their haq, and whoever is blessed in wealth by Allah, should do so and should not cease to do so as far as Allah provides him/her wealth. I wish to draw attention of readers to the following verse of Qur’an:

 وَلا يَأْتَلِ أُوْلُوا الْفَضْلِ مِنْكُمْ وَالسَّعَةِ أَنْ يُؤْتُوا أُوْلِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْمَسَاكِينَ وَالْمُهَاجِرِينَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ وَلْيَعْفُوا وَلْيَصْفَحُوا أَلا تُحِبُّونَ أَنْ يَغْفِرَ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ

 “And let not those among you who are blessed with graces and wealth swear not to give to their kinsmen, Al-Masakin, and those who left their homes fro Allah’s Cause. Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

(Aayah No. 22, Surah An-Nur, Chapter No. 24, Holy Qur’an). 

This Aayah was revealed concerning Abu Bakr (RA), when he swore that he would not help Mistah bin Uthathah after he accused Aishah (RA). Mistah was cousin of Abu Bakr (RA), son of his maternal aunt, and was a poor man. He had no money except what Abu Bakr (RA) used to give (spend on) him. After this Aayah was revealed, Abu Bakr (RA) resumed spending on him. 

5. Al-Waasil

Al-Waasil means ‘one who keeps good ties with his blood relatives’.This is a general definition of Al-Waasil. However, Rasool-Allah (PBUH) gave more explained definition for Al-Waasil. Following hadith tells us about this:

Narrated Abdullah bin Amr (RA): The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Al-Waasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Waasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him.”

(Hadith No. 5991, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8). 

Therefore, it is not only that we keep good relations with those relatives who are good to us; rather we have to keep good relations with those who do not keep good relations with us. We cannot make excuse that it is not your fault because the other family or other party does not want to talk to us. We have to ensure from our side that whatever needs to be done in order to restore the blood relations, we do that, and leave the rest to Allah. 

6. Consequences of Qata-e-rahmi (i.e. severing bonds of blood relations)

So far we have talked about importance of Sila-e-rahmi (i.e. keeping good relations with kith and kin). The discussion won’t be complete without talking about what are the consequences of Qata-e-rahmi (i.e. severing the bonds of kith and kin). Let us discuss this in two different manners, both leading to Qata-e-rahmi. 

We know that a Muslim is supposed to follow Qur’an in full. Whatever Allah says to do, a Muslim has to do, and whatever He has forbidden, a Muslim has to keep away from such things/acts. On the same lines, Allah commands us to maintain bonds of blood relations. Therefore it is mandatory for us to follow it. However, whoever does not maintain good relations with his kith and kin, Allah says for such a person: 

وَالَّذِينَ يَنقُضُونَ عَهْدَ اللَّهِ مِنْ بَعْدِ مِيثَاقِهِ وَيَقْطَعُونَ مَا أَمَرَ اللَّهُ بِهِ أَنْ يُوصَلَ وَيُفْسِدُونَ فِي الأَرْضِ أُوْلَئِكَ لَهُمُ اللَّعْنَةُ وَلَهُمْ سُوءُ الدَّارِ

 “And those who break the Covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to the relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse, and for them is the unhappy home (i.e. Hell).”

(Aayah No. 25, Surah Ar-Ra’d, Chapter No. 13, Holy Qur’an). 

Similarly, if someone is blessed by Allah in terms of wealth, position, power etc, and these things dominate his personality and lead him to do wrong things (including severing of bonds of kinship), Allah says following about such a person: 

فَهَلْ عَسَيْتُمْ إِنْ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ أَنْ تُفْسِدُوا فِي الأَرْضِ وَتُقَطِّعُوا أَرْحَامَكُمْ

 “Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship?”

  

أُوْلَئِكَ الَّذِينَ لَعَنَهُمْ اللَّهُ فَأَصَمَّهُمْ وَأَعْمَى أَبْصَارَهُمْ

 “Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.”

(Aayah No’s 22 & 23, Surah Muhammad, Chapter No. 47, Holy Qur’an). 

This is an apt explanation for people who are obstructed by their love for wealth from maintaining good relations with their relatives. Whatever be the reason, whoever severs the bond of relationships, is not liked by Allah, and he/she is destined for Hell in the Hereafter. To remember the severity of consequences of Qata-e-rahmi, following hadith should never be forgotten:

 Narrated Jubair bin Mut’im that he heard the Prophet (PBUH) saying, “Al-Qati (the person who severs the bond of kinship) will not enter Paradise.”

(Hadith No. 5984, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8). 

Now this should give all of us a scare. Paradise is denied for the one who do Qata-e-rahmi. 

7. Third-party responsibility

This is one of the most important parts of the discussion. There is an event associated which needs to be talked about in order to understand the importance of this section. 

A man from Al-Ansar, whose name was Imran, had a wife called Umm-Zayd. She wanted to visit her family, but her husband prevented her from visiting them by locking her in an upper room. So none of her family could visit or see her. She sent someone to her family. They came, took her down from the room and wanted to take her away. Her husband was absent at the time, so his family called on their people. Their cousins came to help prevent the wife from going with her family. A push and shove situation occurred that led to them fighting using slippers. Allah revealed following beautiful Aayah on this: 

وَإِنْ طَائِفَتَانِ مِنْ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اقْتَتَلُوا فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا فَإِنْ بَغَتْ إِحْدَاهُمَا عَلَى الأُخْرَى فَقَاتِلُوا الَّتِي تَبْغِي حَتَّى تَفِيءَ إِلَى أَمْرِ اللَّهِ فَإِنْ فَاءَتْ فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا بِالْعَدْلِ وَأَقْسِطُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُقْسِطِينَ

 “And if two parties or groups among the believers fall to fighting, then make peace between them both. But if one of them outrages against the other, then fight you (all) against the one that which outrages till it complies with Command of Allah. Then if it complies, make reconciliation between them justly, and be equitable. Verily, Allah loves those who are equitable.”

(Aayah No. 9, Surah Al-Hujurat, Chapter No. 49, Holy Qur’an). 

After this, Rasool-Allah (PBUH) sent someone to bring peace among those who were fighting and they both agreed to resort to the decision of Allah, the Exalted. 

This is the third-party role of every Muslim which I am talking about. This is responsibility of all of us to ensure that whenever such a dispute takes place between blood relations among our known ones, we all should get together to get it solved. And if we sense that someone among the disputed parties is on wrong side and not willing to reconcile, we all have to oppose such a person (or a group) in all our might, strength and means till the wrong one succumbs and agrees to resort to Allah’s Will. This is what our society lacks. This calls for introspection. We let the blood relations get severed, but stay quiet. Different reasons keep us away from performing responsibility ordained by us on Allah. The most prominent of the reasons is the attitude: Why should I bother, it is their problem; let them solve themselves. Why should I bother myself for their problems? I am happy in my life and that is all what matters to me. This attitude needs to be changed. I am sure, that if this third-party role is fulfilled honestly by all Muslims, Insha’Allah majority of the problems of Qata-e-rahmi will be solved. Please note that this responsibility is not only for saving relationships; rather it covers all such cases where there is a conflict among two Muslims (or two Muslim groups). This ruling is for us to make reconciliation among the two and side with haq. 

I want to take this opportunity for saying this: I have a sincere appeal to all Muslims regarding this role of every Muslim. Please take this third-party role / responsibility seriously. Interfere and ensure that haq prevails. Insha’Allah many relations will be saved from being severed and harmony shall prevail. 

Concluding remarks

It is going wrong on all fronts. Blood relations hold no values for us anymore, courtesy careers, high stakes, wealth, busy life style, self-centred attitude and above all disobedience to Allah.  

Dear brothers and sisters, break all the shackles of hatred, inhibitions, false prestige, love for money etc. which keep us away from giving due respect to our blood relations. These relations are made by Allah, and Allah commands us to maintain them in a healthy manner. Qata-e-rahmi is a big sin. Whoever does it and whoever encourages (or persuades) others to do it, is in for a serious punishment i.e. Hell in Hereafter (we have already discussed this in earlier section).  

Our kids, our siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, all of them command their haq from us, the haq for love, haq for respect, haq for togetherness, haq for help, haq for share, haq for care etc. Our blood relations are a part of our lives; there is no way that we ignore them if we aspire to be inmates of Paradise.  

Be united. Live happily in harmony and peace. 

And Allah knows best. 

May Allah forgive me if I am wrong and guide us to the right path…Ameen. 

سُبْحَانَ رَبِّكَ رَبِّ الْعِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُون َ ; وَسَلامٌ عَلَى الْمُرْسَلِينَ ; وَالْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّالْعَالَمِينَ.

 

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31 comments

  1. salaam 
    my q uestion is that sila rehmi should be from both side also we know that they send jinn shaitaan on daily basis to our homes they feel happiness to see us suffering.. because of illness and finacial losses as everything is stopped i started thajjad praying for shifa and hdayya for them    very tired…briefly i,m about 40 my husband 46 we did everything to please them especially spending money it is envy jealousy for no reason they just want to see our destruction.any advice….
    jazakallah

    • Wa-alaikum as-salam warahmatallah,

      Sister, first thing is that no one on earth can do anything good or anything wrong for any one; only Allah has the power to do so. Remember this very clearly and maintain it as a part of our belief. No one has the power or might, except Allah. SO have tawakkul in Allah. No one ha sthe power to harm or benefit you or your family on this earth, except Allah. Now, coming to your question again on whether you should maintain sila-e-rahmi even if your relatives are not good with you, the answer is YES. If you read the article on the site on this subject, you will find a hadith which tells that Al-Waasil is one who is good with his/her relatives even when they are not good with him. Now if the relatives are too bad an dbehave badly, one will naturally maintain distance; but again, the distance should not be in hearts. Kepe praying for them, neve rmiss an opportunity to help them, whenever you come across each other somewhere, be the first to greet them, never be the first to initiate hatred. Leave the rest to Allah.

  2. twisted it and meddles with black magic so has all family on her side .People know the truth but are not admitting to it any advice pls
     

    • What advice you are looking for? Please clarify.

      Apart from this, whatever happens, a Muslim is supposed to keep good relations from his blood relatives, and more particularly/specifically with parents. Now even if your relatives, including parents, do not want to see you and have disowned you, they shall be answerable to Allah for whatever wrong they do. You, from your heart, should not behave in a bad manner with them. That is what Islam says.

      I request all, please do not look for doctor-like or tailor-made solutions. Try to understand what Islam says about the matter; and do your best to act upon it, with pious intentions. Leave the rest upto Allah.

  3. Assalam Aleikum,
    I would like to ask for advice. My brother has not talked to me for 3 years though i have tried several times. the reason being I got married to  a man who isnt of our tribe but my husband is a practising muslim with good islamic background. It has really eaten me up but i dont know what to do… when i was getting married he said he doesnt want to be called uncle by that tribe… tell me what to do

  4. Aslm Alkm;

    Would you please assist me [if you are in position] to pass to me information/Hadeeth where S.A.W is reported to have recommended enjoining blood relations even when the relatives are ‘Mushirkiin’ – Walaw Kaana Kafir/Mushrik – somehow like that. I will be grateful.

    Asl Alkm

    Najib

  5. Assalmoaleikum,

    I have to ask that my brother is one, he married without telling my parents
    for 10 yrs he didn’t contacted us then after 10 yrs he contacted us but still
    the wife of my husband dosent like us but she want to come to our house and
    meet my mother and father and show her kids their grand parents house and my
    parents dont want to meet my brother or his wife bcoz my sister in law still dont admit
    her mistake she says, me and your brother are rt your parents r bad , parents say that she
    is bad ,while she is bad bcoz she ir very proud and whenever we talk she dosent talk
    properly and my brother wants to meet us with his whole family and the wife
    dosent want and my parents dont want to see her too I am the little sister longing my family
    to meet what should we do in this case according to Islam and sunnah
    kindly help pls

    • Wa alaikum Salam warahmatallah,

      In such a case, Allah tells us in Verse 9 of Surah Hujurat (Chapter No. 49) of Holy Qur’an:

      “And if two parties or groups among the believers fall to fighting, then make peace between them both. But if one of them outrages against the other fight you (all) against the one that which outrages, till it complies with Command of Allah…….”

      So, follow this instruction of Allah; Insha’Allah all will be well.

      And Allah knows best.

  6. Assalmo Alaikum,

    Few days back, my paternal uncle tried to break my engagement by visiting my in laws and saying things which one sane person would avoid mentioning infront of a girl’s father. The situation got worse between my family and my in laws because of my uncle and to some extent his wife (my aunt) also played a role in this. When all this drama happened, I and my parents complained to my aunt about what uncle did and she was not ready to accept his mistake and instead started defending his act of defaming my fiance infront her father and my father. After this incident, I did not contacting my aunt and she is not contacting me either. I do have some bad feelings since I am heart broken over their act as I always considered them like my parents. I am now concerned about their attitude towards my relationship with my fiance since I think they may try to harm my relationship with my fiance in future too. My question is that if I do not contact them and they do not contact me either, but whenever in future I meet them, I talk to them politely and give them respect, then will it still fall under QATA RAHMI?

    • Wa alaikum Salam warahmatallah,

      Please do not initiate anything wrong from your end. As per our Prophet (PBUH), the actual ‘Sila-e-rehmi’ is when you maintain good relations with those who do not maintain good with you. Do good and hope them to reciprocate good, rather than reciprocating bad for bad. And then leave the rest to Allah.

      And Allah knows best.

  7. what if trying to visit causes so much arguments in the house? Me and my family try as much as we can and our father threatens us if we go there. He neither reads Jummah or gives charity but reads ‘5 namaaz’.

    What should I do? The Fanily we visit is our only blood relations here. I am in great difficulty and I need to find a viable solution?

    • Salam alaikum,

      You should talk to your father politely and respectfully, explaining him the importance and significance of maintaining blood relations in Islam. Take a print-out of this article and take it to your father. Pray to Allah for help. In any case, the command of Allah is above the command of anyone else, be it your father.

      Act according to what Allah says. Inshallah all will be OK.

      May Allah set your affairs right.

  8. I have a brother who has gone astray, and had tried to avoid the entire family. We try to visit him and call him but he tries to avoid us. He always responds by saying, ” until I correct myself I have to stay away from the family.” This was the case for the last several years. What should we do? I’ve tried to advise him many times but still refuses to call or visit his family.

    • Salam alaikum,

      It is a very strange situation as described by you. Before we can provide any word of advice to you in this matter, we would request you to try and persuade your brother by asking him what his grudges/feelings/sense of guilt is/are. Try to understand why is he doing this. Also try to understand what exactly is he doing now; whether he is leading a life of abandonment? Whether he is influenced by some other person(s) to do so? Try to gather all such information, and send it to us. Also let us know what talks you have already tried with him which couldn’t bring any positive results with him. Insha’Allah we shall revert back to you appropriately then.

      May Allah help you.

  9. Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu,

    My husband is against all my relatives except my parents. He commands me to keep distance with them and doesn’t like myself talking or having relationship with them saying that they have disrespected him. It was due to the problem that happened some years back where the mistake was from both parties. Even before that problem he was not good with them. I was very close to my relatives before marriage but now I am not even talking to them to avoid problems considering peace and my children’s happiness. Kindly advise on how to deal with this problem. Do I obey my husband and avoid my relatives or I can do something.

    • Wa alaikum As Salam Warahmatallah Wabarakatuhu,

      It is very difficult to give a view based on such a brief information. All I can say to you and your husband is that we should try to live a normal life on compliance with rulings of Islam. Maintaining good relations with blood relatives is a righteous deed, and we should ensure that we do not end up straining our relations with our blood relatives. Your husband should realize this that he should not force you to do so; even if he doesn’t want to meet your relatives, still he should allow you to maintain cordial relations with them. Also, if someone had committed a mistake which offended your husband, let him forgive them, for the Prophet (PBUH) had said that whoever wants Allah to be merciful/forgiving to him should be merciful/forgiving to others.

      On the other hand, it is imperative that you respect your husband, as long as he does not transgress the Islamic rulings.

      My suggestion to you will be to talk to your husband about this matter in light of Qur’an and Sunnah. be polite to him while discussing these matters. Do not offend him in any way. Try to involve elders of both families to sort out relations between your those relatives and husband by bringing them to a face-to-face meet.

      Having done your part, make dua to Allah and leave everything to Almighty Lord. Insha’Allah all will be well.

      Feel free to write to us for any further advice on this matter.

      Jazak Allah khair.

  10. Salaam Alaikum,

    8 years ago I got engaged to my paternal uncle’s daughter (first cousin), which lasted just over a year. One fine evening my cousin (i.e. fiance) called me and told me she cannot marry me, & presented the lamest of excuses (basically my appearance & height became a sudden issue) initially tried to fake her real reasons by false & unrealistic reasons (like Istikhara coming out negative via true dreams) & obviously I was totally shaken, confused, full of anxiety & genuine depression. I informed my father about the situation fairly soon who tried to resolve matters with his elder brother, but my uncle never made serious efforts to re-bond, rather escaped responsibility or kept us in darkness without any positive support / response. This continued for 8 months and we were left bewildered & extremely worried due to their attitude. My cousin disrespected me a lot & insulted me whenever I tried to patch up. When I tried to reveal to her Quranic verses related to breaking ties/relationships & its consequences she blatantly replied she doesn’t care & such stuff will not make her re-think her decision! My father ended up writing a letter to his elder brother and politely concluded that if he didn’t hear from him within 2 weeks of receiving the letter then it will be understood that they have severed the engagement, which is exactly what followed.

    I am however now happily married with a very loving & caring wife, 3 beautiful children, my question is that I never contacted and communicated with my ex-fiance after this sad incident, all ties with her were severed obviously, in fact I had to cut off ties with my uncle’s entire family (since it was later revealed that all were actively contributing & involved in a conspiracy to sever the engagement). The question here is that am I committing Qata-Sila Rahmi? For sure my cousin is a non mahram to me and obviously contacting her and keeping ties with her will creep suspicion in my happily married life and I don’t want my wife to be hurt by my such approaches towards my cousin & ex-fiance.

    Kindly advise.

    Jazak Allah.

    • Wa alaikum As Salam Warahmatallah,

      Please accept my apologies for a delayed response as I was out of town for last two weeks and had no access to these mails/messages.

      First of all I do not understand why your family snapped ties with your uncles’s family. The woman ahs the right to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ in a marriage proposal; Islam gives her this right. If a woman says ‘No’ to a marriage proposal, then that marriage cannot take place. And if a woman is forced to marry, that marriage is not considered valid in Islam. Therefore, if your cousin said ‘No’ to the marriage, why did it lead to break-up of ties between the families of two brothers? We Muslims should be mature enough to accept rejections in marriage proposals. When Islam ha given the right to a woman to accept or reject a marriage proposal, then who are we to feel dejected by a ‘No’ from a girl? What makes us break-up and severe the blood relations just because a woman in relations said ‘No’ to a marriage proposal. Why don’t we realize that it is her right, and she has not anything wrong by saying ‘No’.

      This, of course, is breaking/severing of ties of kinship, and your father (including his family) and your uncle (including his family) shall be held responsible for. You guys will be answerable to Allah for this sin.

      Now about your contacts with your ex-fiancée who is your first cousin too. Yes, she is your blood relative and you should respect the blood relations. But you should be careful enough to not let things of past affect your marital life.

      My advice is that you and your family should make-up the ties with your uncle’s family. Forget the past and start new. Maintain the ties of kinship. This does not mean that you should start having friendship or special affiliation with your ex-fiancée only. Rather, maintain ties with whole family and treat your cousin as a cousin only. Of course you are Non-Mahram to her, and the limits should be respected.

      And Allah knows best.

      • Thanks for the reply

        A little bit of the background os that 4 years before getting engaged my cousin approached me alone & offered herself as an option for marriage for which I agreed, I immediately informed my father who at the right moment asked his elder brother for her hand in marriage. The problem was the wife of my paternal uncle was dead against this marriage & so was my cousin (ex-fiance brother). I kept in touch with cousin which now I regret , which is a haraam thing to do, but we never transgressed any limits as we were living far apart anyway, 4 years it took to convince her family to accept the proposal. She within her “rights” accepted to the knot & the 4 torrid years of constant struggle should serve as a testimony to her “yes” & the initial offering herself alone to me as a potential future wife. What lead to strained relations is het sudden u-turn & distrspect & mental torture. Apart from that the response to cool things down, re-concile never & re-group never came from my uncle or his family, it was my father who called / comminicated to enquire to which they escaped a proper answer, kept us hanging with no clear answer for 8 months. We didnt sever ties but it was them who did. We tried all avenues to fix matters but they turned a blind eye towards us as if we were strangers whilst in reality we were blood relatives. I even went to the extent to convince my ex-fiance using quranic ayats as to not to sever relations as her sudden disrespect & u-turn & severing the engagement (without valid justification) was not digestable to me, it would have been better had she exercised her right of saying no to this proposal a year or better 4 years ago when the struggle was on

        she replied to the quranic verses by saying ” Do you think I will change my decision by listening to this stuff”??

        I then related to her a story where Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) & his companions met a christian group, who due to their ego refused to accept Islam & its Prophet despite it becoming manifest that they were on the wrong side, on a similar tone as the story comcludes, I requested my cousin that lets both supplicate to Allah & let him curse the sinner in this matter, the one who is inflicting & betraying & straining the future relationship of the entire family, but she refused obviously as she was guilty ( she actually called my father 6 months ago seeking forgiveness & admitted total guilt & sin for her decision)

        Back then i even tried to request her not create distance between twi brothers & she replied she doesnt care about her paternal uncle & his relation with anybody but cares about her materialistic desires of boy height etc

        I hope the background is clear to you now, Since you replied late I took this question to my local mufti & he replied that I should mend ties with my uncle & boy cousin but refrain from contacting my ex-fiance as wisdom dictates that it can creep suspicion in the minds of both spouses ( mine & hers) & if it creates a friction & eventual breakup its not a good thing

        Awaiting your reply
        Jazakallah
        Ali

        • Salam alaikum,

          Jazak Allah khair for your detailed clarification on the matter. Keeping in view the clarification provided by you, I am happy to know that you and your family didn’t initiated the severing of ties, and you and your father still keep cordial relations with the other relatives. Whatever little bit of strain is there in the relations are due to natural instincts of human behavior. Try your best to not to be on wrong part.

          Please let me know what further advice I can provide to you.

          May Allah help you.

          Jazak Allah khair.

          • Jazakallah kher brother

            Its very satisfying & your re-assurance that I haven’t sinned or be considered as an initiator of a severing ties with my uncle & his family is pleasing to the heart, had it been a case of no to marriage proposal, by Allah matters between the two families would have remained healthy without hard feelings, but the way they inflicted this conspiracy upon us was too painful, despite that, I am a strong believer & due to fear of Allah decided to call out to you for advise, had I been tangled in my own feelings of hatred I would have never asked you the question

            Please let me know that my decision of not initiating phone calls, email or video/voice chat with my ex-fiance is a right decision keeping in mind doubt/suspicion it can bring into boths marital life, as such communication can open windows for extended useless gossip or unnecessary confrontations. However if she ever approaches me directly seeking pardon as she did from my father, then I will consider responding

            I was in Saudi Arabia for a good 8-10 yrs, my boy cousin shifted to Saudi Arabia later but never contacted me as to announce arrival to a common country infact I found out very late that he too was in the kingdom. Anyway, despite all this nonsense from them, I am still ready to send salutations to my boy cousin via my paternal uncle at a good time rather drop in on him abruptly after so many years

            Regards
            Ali

          • Salam alaikum,

            Yes, your decision of not initiating communication with your ex-fiancée is a right decision.

            And Allah knows best.

  11. I want to ask that many years ago my father and some of the other relatives have cut off with my cousin because she married out of the tribe but with permission of her parents.Kindly tell me is this right to break relationship with her according to Quran and Hadith?

    • Salam alaikum,

      If your cousin had married with permission of her parents and all other requirements specified for a Muslim marriage had been taken care of, then there is no reason that you and your relatives cut off relations with her. If it is just because she married outside your tribe, then it is even more severe a sin, first they are severing the ties of kinship, and second they are favouring ‘Assabiyyah’.

      Such views belong to the period of ignorance, and find no place in Islam. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) ahs talked in very serious words about such people:

      It was narrated from Abu Hurairah (RA) that the Prophet (PBUH) said, “Whoever rebels against obedience and splits away from the Jama’at and dies (in that state) has died a death of Jahilliyah. Whoever fights for no real cause, getting angry for the sake of tribalism, calling for tribalism, or supporting tribalism, and is killed, dies in a state of Jahilliyah. Whoever rebels against my Ummah, striking righteous and wicked alike, and does not spare the believers, and does not pay attention to anyone who has covenant of protection with the Muslims, he is not of me and I am not of him.” – (Hadith No. 4786 (1848), Book of Leadership, Sahih Muslim, Vol. 5).

      Therefore, your and your relatives action of severing ties with your cousin due to her marriage outside the tribe is an act of Jahilliyah. My advice to you and your relatives is that you should mend your relations with your cousin sister with immediate effect.

      Jazak Allah khair.

      • Salaam

        I think you have replied to the wrong person, I never posted thus question,.

        My question was a different one with different context

        • Wa alaikum As Salam Warahmatallah,

          Our replies are done through a ‘Reply’ option which directs the response to the email of the questioner. If you have received response to a question which you did not ask, we apologize for the inconvenience caused to you, as that could have been due to technical glitch.

          And Allah knows best.

  12. Assalam alaikum wrwb,
    A few years back, my paternal cousin tried to elope with my younger brother’s wife but couldn’t succeed. My brother subsequently divorced the girl as she didnt want to continue that relation as well as she was enamoured by my cousin. We could have taken the matter to the Police but didnt so to save the girls family and also my Uncle’s honour. But since then, we have not had any relation with my paternal unlce’s family because they did not punish my cousin for his act – they just got him married elsewhere.
    What should we do in this case?
    My Uncle keeps calling asking for forgiveness but my mother and brother are obviously deeply hurt and cannot come over it. I couldnt find a relevant hadith that talks about dealing with relatives who have committed such a deplorable act and whether we still need to make up with their family and just boycott that cousin?

    • Wa alaikum As Salam Warahmatallah,

      Allah says in Qur’an:

      “The recompense for an evil is an evil like thereof; but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is with Allah. Verily, Allah likes not the Zalimun.” – (Verse No. 40, Surah Ash-Shura, Chapter No. 42, Holy Qur’an).

      “And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly be from the things recommended by Allah.” – (Verse No. 43, Surah Ash-Shura, Chapter No. 42, Holy Qur’an).

      These verses tell us that although you have the option of reciprocating to your uncle’s family in the same manner that they treated you, but the recommended act from Allah is to forgive and make reconciliation. That is an act which shall earn rewards for you instead of doing tit for tat.

      I can quote an incident that took place with Syeda Ayesha (RA) and Syedna Abu Bakr (RA) which can be very useful in understanding such matters.

      Mistah bin Uthathah accused Syeda Aishah (RA) and spread lies about her. Later on, Allah revealed innocence of Umm-ul-Mumineen to protect the honour of Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) and Umm-ul-Mumineen. The details of this incidence are mentioned in Surah An-Nur (Chapter No. 24, Holy Qur’an).

      Mistah was a cousin (maternal aunt’s son) of Abu Bakr As-Siddiq (RA), and was a poor man. Abu Bakr (RA) used to help him financially, and Mistah’s family had no other wealth except what they got from Abu Bakr (RA). When he accused her daughter, Abu Bakr (RA) swore that he would not help Mistah after what he had said about Aishah (RA).

      After Aishah’s (RA) innocence was proved, Mistah also repented and Allah accepted his repentance and the prescribed punishment was carried out on him. When Abu Bakr refused to help him further financially, Allah revealed following Aayah:

      “And let not those among you who are blessed with graces and wealth swear not to give to their kinsmen, the poor, and those who left their homes for Allah’s Cause. let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most-Merciful.” – (Verse No. 22, Surah An-Nur, Chapter No. 24, Holy Qur’an).

      Therefore, forgiveness is a great virtue, more so when it comes to blood relatives.

      I would advise you to accept the invitation of your Uncle, forgive him and other members of his family, and maintain cordial relations with him and his family.

      Do it to earn Allah’s Mercy and Forgiveness; do it to please Allah.

      May Allah bless you and help you in this!

      And Allah knows best.

  13. Salam Alaikum ,

    My Father and his own Brother is not talking for so long years . Last year My sister marriage got fixed . So we went to our paternal Uncle home to invite but he refused us and asked us to get out from home . we are really disappointed at that moment and lot of moments makes us to feel really bad with Paternal uncle . Now my paternal uncle wants to join with us dew to some function happening in his home . can you suggest me that we can forget everything and join with my paternal uncle and with his family . who really insulted my parents a lot . please suggest me what to do .

    • Wa alaikum As Salam Warahmatallah,

      Yes, I would advise you not to repeat the actions of your Uncle’s family, and maintain good relations with him. If he ahs invited you at his home, please take this opportunity to please Allah and fulfill your obligation in terms of maintaining good relations with blood relatives. I shall quote a hadith in this context:

      Narrated Abdullah bin Amr (RA): The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Al-Waasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Waasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him.” – (Hadith No. 5991, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8).

      Therefore, it is not only that we keep good relations with those relatives who are good to us; rather we have to keep good relations with those who do not keep good relations with us. We cannot make excuse that it is not your fault because the other family or other party does not want to talk to us. We have to ensure from our side that whatever needs to be done in order to restore the blood relations, we do that, and leave the rest to Allah.

      Remember, a person who cuts the blood relations, won’t enter Paradise, refer to following hadith:

      Narrated Jubair bin Mut’im that he heard the Prophet (PBUH) saying, “Al-Qati (the person who severs the bond of kinship) will not enter Paradise.” – (Hadith No. 5984, Book of Al-Adab, Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 8).

      Therefore, do not do anything wrong from your end which may jeopardize your entry to Paradise.

      I hope you understand what I want to say.

      And Allah knows best.

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